i once was lost, but now am found

2010 was tough a year for me. in some ways, i felt like i really lost myself.

i've been in what i've been affectionately calling a quarter-life crisis. it's how i closed 2010 and how i opened 2011.

i started seminary in 2009, and sadly, i don't think i've felt close to God since then. let me explain. in seminary, i spent a lot of time THINKING about God. i was equipped with more vocabulary, different approaches to reading the Bible and different frameworks for understanding theology. i learned new WAYS to seek, understand and worship God. i thought about God a lot. i thought about who God was, how God interacts with the world today and what believing in God meant in my life. BUT, i was not close to God. it had the guise of being close to God because i thought of/about God all the time. i read the Bible a lot. i thought of things like the Trinity, substitutionary atonement, eschatology, soteriology, dogma and other big concepts described using big words. for some reason, thinking about all of this gave a false sense of intimacy with God. Yes, God was always on my mind, but God wasn't in my heart, where God should first be. I wasn't close to God. I was pre-occupied with things "about" God, but not God himself.

and so, because of that, i got lost.

or maybe i lost God.

or maybe a little bit of both.

when i was in college, someone taught me to think about my relationship with God as being "daddy's little girl." i was supposed to be able to approach God in a way that a daughter climbs into her father's lap. i never had a dad in my life, but i have felt this feeling. i have felt God THAT close to me. but i lost that the last few years. i can't remember ONE instance when i felt undeniably close to God the entire time i was in seminary. i'm sure it happened. i'm sure there were times when i did feel close to God. but the fact that i can't remember them now tells me that they may not have been particularly impactful or life-changing.

the last time i felt close to God was the first time i took the Alpha course - as a guest. after two years of approaching God with my brain, taking part of the Alpha course allowed me to approach God from my heart and with wonder and awe again. unfortunately, i lost that when i joined the Alpha team as a leader. Alpha became a ministry that - while i loved serving and being a part of it - was another item on my to-do list. when i was an Alpha participant, i was able to be a Mary - someone who sat at the foot of Jesus and allowed him to teach me and touch my heart. when i joined the leadership team, I approached Alpha as a Martha. there were things that needed to get done so that other people can be Maryies and sit at the feet of Jesus and be ministered to. i need to be a Mary again. i need to find myself at the foot of Christ, listening to him and allowing him to grow me.

tonight, at the new year's eve service at church, we had the opportunity to reflect on the year, think about where God has blessed us and how we want God to bless us this upcoming year. when it was over, we also had the chance to kneel at the altar and pray about the upcoming year. so i went. and it was the first time in a REALLY LONG TIME that i got to physically kneel before the Lord. and it was amazing.

sometimes when i pray, thoughts will come to me that are things i want to cry out to God about. sometimes, thoughts will come to me that seem to be from God... and then the prayer becomes something i am yearning for but also something that God is affirming in me. when i started praying at the altar tonight, a very deep, profound feeling came over me and i all of a sudden couldn't think of anything else except for this one feeling - being found. i started praying about how LOST i'd become this year and how badly i wanted to be FOUND again. how badly i wanted to find myself, find God and be found by God. and then almost in the same stream of consciousness, i had a deep profound feeling that God was telling me that i WILL be found, that God WILL help me find myself and that God himself WILL find me again.

i felt God promise that 2011 will be the year i will be found. i'm not sure what that means yet, but since rising from the altar, i've had the hymn "amazing grace" in my head. i think it's about grace all over again. grace doesn't happen just once. there is no quota. God didn't say that He will only find me once and that's it... and if i lose myself again or i get lost again... then it's tough luck for me. the truth is, AMAZING GRACE KEEPS FINDING YOU. it doesn't matter how many times you get lost. it doesn't matter how often you lose yourself or lose God in the midst of the world's trials and tribulations. the promise has ALWAYS been and ALWAYS will be:

I ONCE WAS LOST, BUT NOW AM FOUND.

2011 will be the year i will be found again.