I’ve been thinking about, reflecting on, and processing my life recently. My trip to Seoul was a milestone of sorts. My mother, who was totally against the trip, has decided that a daughter who won’t listen and follow her opinion is a daughter who doesn’t love her, so the trip has really changed my relationship to the family. I returned from Korea (my flight got in at JFK) and my aunt (who lives about 20 mins away) picked me up. I spent two nights with her during which time we attempted to contact/visit my mother to make sure she knew that I was safe. My mother did not want to see me at that point, so we ended up not visiting her. I’ve got to admit that I was a little hurt that she didn’t even want to talk to me; it just feels to me like nothing my (future) kids could ever do to ever merit noncommunication with them. Anyway, it has been weeks since we talked but I saw her last night. Well, my mom, aunt, cousin and sister stayed over at my apartment and my mother and I were at least civil to each other. I’m sure she’ll recover from her eldest daughter’s first major rebellion and get over it soon. I will never understand parents, especially not mother/daughter relationships.
I’ve been really worried about life recently, and especially about financial stability. It feels so weird not knowing what’s next, if I’m going to have a job next month or not. I’m trying to be positive and optimistic, but when one’s livelihood is out of her hands, sometimes the positivity and optimism can run out sooner rather than later. What this has forced me to think about, however, is what I really want to do with my life. I was at a meeting recently where someone said of their job, “this is more than a 40 hour a week job, it’s my life.” It made me think whether or not I want a job like that. Yes, I do want a job that is meaningful, one that is directly related to what I feel my life’s purpose is… but do I ever want the kind of employment that would pervade every aspect of my life? I am not defined by the work I do, but by the values and beliefs with which I approach my work. I’m still having trouble wrapping my mind around the concept of employment that is your life.
I dusted off my art supplies recently and decided that I needed to start being creative again. I say this to myself every few months or so. Usually, I’ll have enough motivation/inspiration to start a project, but never to see it through. Right now, I’ve got a pencil drawing on canvas sitting on my desk at home. I haven’t touched it in a week. It’s so weird… I’ve always loved the creative process, the task of committing passion and life to canvas by way of brushstrokes and pigment. I used to have a lot of creative outlets – I used to write/journal everyday, I used to play music, I used to dance, I used to sing, and I used to paint. I’m not sure what has happened to my life that’s impeded me from doing such things. Maybe it’s the nature of growing up and needing to work and make money.
anyway, i think new adventures are in store as i figure out what is going on with my life. hopefully things will not be so hectic that i can't jot some thoughts down here.
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